It's been a while since I blogged ~ but I am back!

  I haven't written a blog since 2010. I had so much going on in my life, that I just got away from it and didn't feel the urge to do it anymore. I had so much to say, that I didn't want to say and just decided to hold it all in.
    However the more I held it in, the more I hated myself and others for it. So, it finally came down to a boiling point, where I lost it and exploded on a lot of people. Including, coming out and telling my ex-husband the truth of not being in love with him anymore. It was such a relief, and like a weight that had been lifted off my shoulders. It felt so good, that I wanted to run around in the streets of Vegas naked. NO I DID NOT! But I sure wanted to.
    I felt like I was a changed person, I no longer had to live a lie, pretending to be in love with someone, who I no longer was in love with. It was not an easy thing to do. However being with him for close to 20 years, 10 of them of which we were married. Several years before I had told that I wanted to leave. But he had begged me to stay. I agreed to try to work it out and move forward. Things got a little better for a little while. He promised me things, none of which he kept. That was one of the biggest reasons I think that I fell out of love with him. But when I think about it, I wonder if I ever really did love him. I did, but I don't think that I was madly in love with him. It also doesn't help when you are a mama's boy and you are well into your 40's and still listening to her like you are a teenager. That really puts a damper on things. Then quitting a great paying job, all because you are not happy working there anymore, have no insurance, and I was only working part-time. WOW. Losing our house due to me being out of work for so long did not help matters either. He did odd jobs helping friends out and stuff like that, but it was not a steady income and trying to rely on me working part time for $8.50 an hour, and not even getting but maybe sometime 18 hours a week. Yeah that did not work out so well. Trying to care for me 3 dogs, put food on a table and pay bills on that kind of low income. And then knowing that you need surgery, and having health insurance to you, and yet another raise, still quit. If it were me, I would have taken the health insurance and the raise, had my surgery and then after the surgery was all said and done & I was healed up, went back to work and then decide on what I wanted to do. Because while you are laid up at home, you can be on the internet putting in applications for work. BUT NO.........just make life difficult for all those surrounded around you and make them miserable.
     I let myself go for way to long. When I was a kid, I was a gymnast, so I was always used to being the small petite person. But I fell into the marriage trap, where I started to let myself go and not give 2 shits what I looked liked or how much weight I put on. But then one day I had looked in the mirror, and asked myself what I was doing to myself? How could I do this to myself? This was not me, I felt as if I had nothing to smile about anymore. My smile went away a long time ago. I felt like I was turning into this miserable person that I did not want to be. I almost felt like I was turning into my mom. And I hate saying that. However sometimes trying to please that women was impossible. And I did not want to be mom. So, that day I decided to take a stand for myself, because I was the only one who knew that I could change myself back to the way that I used to be. I knew that it was going to be a long journey a head. But a journey that I was willing to take. I was scared, I didn't know what was going to come, but I didn't care. Because I needed to move on, and get myself back on track and back to being my normal happy go lucky, smiling self. When you loose your nickname of "Smiley" you know there is something wrong with you. I encourage you, if you are not happy, don't live that miserable life, get out, and make yourself happy. You are the only one who can do it. I know that I couldn't have done it alone without an amazing support group of my friends and family. But, you have to grab life by the horns and take control of it and change it, because you are the only one who can control it and change it.
     The first BIG step was telling someone who is madly in love with you, that you don't love them anymore. I will never remember the look on his face, the hurt, the anger, the disappointment. But it was a relief off my shoulders. I felt like a complete total bitch for it, but I needed to do it. I couldn't stand saying "I Love you" to his face one more time knowing that it was a complete lie.
    The next step was to get my ass back in shape and lose all the extra weight that I had piled on to myself. Glad I was a gymnast and know how to do it. However, it was rough at first. I will never forget the first time that I stepped on the scale and seen 180 pounds. I cried like a baby, and wanted to slap the shit out of myself for letting me to do this to me. I had no one else to blame for that but myself.
   Then I had to learn how to be single again and go out and have fun again with my friends. And start a new life. Not knowing where it was going to lead me. But, I had to do it. I had no choice now!!
   
But all I know is that I can say here I stand here today a lot happier and glad that I made the choice to change me life and make it my own again. And not controlled by others, who thought that they could tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Who I should and shouldn't hang out with. Tell me that I was a spoiled brat all from over 2000 miles away. (I am speaking of my ex-mother-in-law) who had a lot to do with the reasons as well as to why I fell out of love with her son. I should have followed my heart from the start. I never really wanted to get married. Almost called the wedding off 3 times. Maybe that should have been my first clue.

    However I will say, for anyone who is getting married, always interview your future in-laws. And I am not just saying this for the bride, I am saying this for both parties. If they have siblings and they are married talked to the person your sibling married. Don't let your siblings be around either when you do this. Because then they will just think that they are trash talking your parents. But in fact your are getting a lesson and learning a whole hell of a lot about your future in-laws. It's great information to have and take to heart. I wish that I would have listened to my ex's brothers wife a little more. Because man all I can say now, is she was right on the money about my ex-mother-in-law. But a lesson learned, a BIG ONE. This is why I pass this advice on to you. Trust me on this one. She seemed so sweet before we got married, but yes there were those times when we were dating that I just wanted to walk up to her and bitch slap her across the face, (which should have been another huge clue). Once we got engaged, it really started to go down hill, she wanted control of my wedding. If this happens, I tell you right now, DON'T LET IT and RUN! No joke. Just remember it is your wedding, not hers!!! She got pissed off when I told her that, but such is life. Put your big girl panties on lady and suck it up.