Happy Father's Day - What does it mean to you?

  Happy Father's Day to all the Dad's out there today =)

    Growing up I was very blessed and lucky to have such an amazing, caring dad. It sucks that many children grow up now-a-days without knowing anything about there dad or who there dad is. That kind of sucks, and I wish you could experience the love of a father, to be there for you and pick you up when you need picking up, a shoulder to cry on, a friend to talk to.

    I was a daddy's girl, always and forever I will remain a daddy's girl. My daddy means the world to me. A lot of people get pissed off at me when I say I love my dad ten times more then my mom. But it is the truth. I have a closer relationship and such a close bond with him that my mom and I do not have.
    From the time that I was baby, I always remember my daddy being there for me. I think the reason that I am closer to my dad, is when I was a baby, my mom was very sick throughout her pregnancy and after having me, remained ill for quite some time. So it was dad who took care of my brother and I.
   I can remember following my dad everywhere and being literally glued to his leg most of the time. I remember when I was little and we would go somewhere, how he would reach done and grab my hand or pick me up and throw me on his back for one of my most favorite things in the world piggyback rides or throwing me on his shoulders! It felt like I was sitting on top of the world! I pretty much was! I miss those days :( I always felt so safe when he was around, he was my knight in shinning armor! He was always there to keep me out of harms way, to protect me - such a soothing a comforting feeling!
    I was the one who always wanted to be my daddy, whether it be out in the garage working on a car, the boat it didn't matter - as long as I was there with him, by his side!
I was his little tool girl! He would tell me what tool or tools he needed and I would run and get them for him. When he cut the grass, I wanted to be on his lap, riding around on the John Deere laughing and just having a good time and loving life. When he was watching TV laying on the floor, I was laying right next to him. I was his Hockey buddy! We loved Hockey and still till this day, we both have a love for hockey, that most people do not understand, except for him and I.
    As I grew up, yes there were my days that I would get pissed at him, he would get pissed at me. But then I would sit there and cry and think about those days when I was tiny enough to be on his lap, or him holding my hand crossing the street and I would smile and thankful for him caring so damn much, and realize that even though we were butting heads that he was still not just my dad, but my best friend.
   He was the one that helped me with my homework, he was the one that paid for my gymnastics training, he was the one that provided for me growing up. He was and always will be my hero! I spoiled him with back scratches and back massages, even though it may not seem like a lot, it was my way of saying thank you! Thank you for everything.
   I miss the days of getting up at the butt crack of dawn to go fishing and be out on the boat for hours at end! I miss the days of going hunting with him, and sitting in the woods waiting for our next kill. I loved rabbit season!
    When we grow-up and move on with life. Some of us get married, have kids and so forth, move out of state away from our family. I will never forget the day when I told my dad that I was moving, the look on his face was almost of pure disappointment, but he understood why I was doing it. We both cried, but I told him no matter what, he will always be my daddy, and that I will always cherish every moment that we had spent together always. Always and forever. He just didn't want to lose his baby girl, but I explained to him that I will always be his baby girl, whether it be 2000 miles away or 50 miles away. He knew for a long time that this day was going to come, he just didn't realize that I was going to move from East Coast to West Coast. However, I did remind him that is what planes are made for!!! Both of us having serious back issues though, I do understand the discomforts in flying, even if it only is for 5 hours. But, it's 5 hours that I figure I can deal with the pain for, just to waiting for the moment to run up to him and give him a bear hug!
    The best surprise ever was last summer, when I decided that I wanted to go home and visit, it had been almost 6 years since I had been home to visit. I went for 2 weeks, the only people that knew were my mom and a couple of my friends. I wanted to surprise everyone else! Most of all I wanted to Surprise him! So my mom and I kept it a secret for months! It was hard sometimes, and a few times that I almost slipped and said see you soon, but caught myself in the process! I was staying with a friend, it was hard not blowing it that I was in town. So, I had called my mom to see where they were after a day or just resting, and when she told me they were at the lake I was so happy! So my buddy threw me the keys to his Harley and off I went for a nice 60 mile ride up to the lake! It was one of the hardest rides ever, because I hadn't seen my parents in almost 6 years, but I couldn't wait to see the look on his face! When I pulled into the campground, I pulled in very gingerly and hoping that he wouldn't see me as I didn't know where he was. He was off helping a friend and I drove right past him and his friend and neither of us noticed! When I pulled up in front of their cottage, my mom of course came running out and we hugged and kissed each other and hoped on her golf cart to go surprise him! So when we pulled up, she called his name as I hid behind the golf cart, she yelled Bill, I have a surprise for you, and I popped out and tears just started flowing on both ends! I ran up to him and he just kept saying it's my daughter, it's my baby girl, oh my god, it's my baby girl, he picked me and hugged me so hard and felt like eternity! It was one of the most amazing feelings in the world! A moment that I will cherish forever in my memory and heart. It was the best 2 weeks ever! It was like old times!
    That was the second time I got him good! The first time I surprised him was on his 60th birthday, when my mom threw him a surprise party! I hid out in the bathroom & called my mom, she handed the phone to him and I cried telling him how I wished that I was there to celebrate with him. He kept asking me where I was! I told him home sitting in my recliner watching TV. It took some convincing but I got him to believe me a s I walked out of the bathroom, everyone was making noise when I first walked out to cover and keep him from turning around and he was like hold on, I can't hear you!! I was like ok! And the room got quiet, you could hear a pin drop as I tapped him on the shoulder, and asked him "Hey Can You Hear me NOW?"!!!! I thought he was going to have a heart attack on me, the look on his face, he jumped up so fast and cried and once again embraced me so hard that I had to tell him that I couldn't breathe! There was not a dry eye in that room. Being surrounded by family and friends, all knowing how close my dad I are! Another moment that I will always cherish in my heart and memory forever!
   So, as I sit here on this Father's Day, I just can't but help reminiscing back to all those times that my dad was there for me. I thank my dad for being one of the best dad's in the world! I called him first thing this morning to wish him a Happy Daddy's Day and tell him that I wished that I was there to celebrate it with him. And then we go straight into our hockey talk session! Laughing and joking around - just us being us!! And it drives my mom crazy, because growing up they always told me that I was my father's daughter! Which is so very true! I act like him, talk like him, I am his mini-me and I wouldn't have it any other way! It doesn't matter that I am 41 years old, to him I will always be his baby. And I can honestly say that it is one of the best feelings ever! I LOVE YOU DADDY and I WILL ALWAYS BE THANKFUL FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE FOR ME, ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR ME, EVEN TIL THIS DAY. I WOULDN'T WANT ANYOTHER DAD IN THIS WORLD!!!!

    I would also like to wish all the other Dad's out there today a very Happy Father's Day to you. I hope you have a bond with your children as I did with my dad, and that you never lose it. Just be patient with your children. The teenage years are the hardest for any parent. As a teenager, kids will always push away from there parents in one way or another, but they always seem to come back to you. I know I did. I had to get out live life and get those life experiences in, just like any normal kid will want to do. Just be patient with them, be there for them, get pissed at them, because that's what parents do, just don't turn your back on them. Because soon enough they will realize, that you, their parents will always be there for them. No matter how bad they screw up. When they come to you and say they want to talk to you, listen to them with an open mind, don't get all bent out of shape about what you are hearing good or bad. When they are done, guide them in the right direction, answer there questions and calm there concerns. Just be there for them. Tell them you love them unconditionally. Especially in today's society, which is so different from when I was growing up. Reward them when they are good, not just to get them out of your hair, or because you don't feel like dealing with them at that point in time. Take time out of your schedule or busy day and set that time aside for family time with your kid(s) and enjoy it, because before you know it, they will be graduating high school, graduating college, moving on with their life, getting married and having a family of their of own, if that's what they want. Cherish every minute you spend with them, as if it was their last day with you. Make them your priority. Teach them, learn from them, guide them and just love them. Be there for them, because as you will learn, your child will always need you at one point in time and they are going to want to run to you, the one they love and look up to.

  Enjoy your Father's Day!

It's a Pug's Life!!!

   I have always been a dog lover!!! Growing up my entire life with dogs surrounding me, they became my life and it became normal to have them in my family. Our first dog was a mongrel named Brandy, she was an awesome dog. My parents had her trained so well, that when we were bad, she would put us in a corner and keep us there until my mom or dad said it was ok for us to leave! Then there was our Brittany Spaniel, Tara Leagh of Royal Worth. She came from a long breed of show dogs. Mommy and daddy were championship show dogs! Well, this one, she was a monster and destroyed more stuff in the house, got into more trouble, then one could think a dog could! Then there was Precious Starr, our first English Springer Spaniel, she became mine and my dad's dog! My dad & I trained her and her so spoiled it was not even funny! She literally hated my brother and would nip him every chance that she got! Any dog that can guard a biscuit or bone for 3 or more days, is pretty damn cool! We would give her a treat and tell her she was only to guard it and not lot anyone near it or eat it, until she was ready. Then give her another treat and tell her it was ok to eat that one, without even flinching, she would eat the other one, but yet still guard the other one! Then there was her daughter that we kept after she had her first and last litter, she scared us so much, we thought we were going to lose her while giving birth to her pups. But, along came Tiffany Starr-Mist. She kind of turned into my mom & brothers dog, which was just fine by my dad & I! She was to mellow for our liking, however, we loved her to pieces. Then along came a very special dog, which my dad & I did not want from the beginning. He was a Brittany Spaniel, who was found about 50 miles away from where we lived, by a friend of my mom's. They knew our love for animals, so they called my mom and asked her if we would open our home to him and bring him in. He had been severely abused by his owners. He was still very young, but yet his owner I guess found it ok to chain this poor guy up and leave him outside in the cold for not performing his hunting duties properly, would be my guess. He was skin and bones, welts all over his body when we first got him. It was so sad, and heart breaking to look at this poor guy. I knew he was going to be a handful, so I tried to avoid him at all causes. I didn't want anything to do with him. But, then again I knew the past history of our previous Brit and all the damage and shit she did. I had nightmares of what was going to happen.
      I will never forgot the moment he walked into our house, he looked at me, looked at my dad, looked at my mom and went straight to her. When I approached him, he shook like crazy, and was not sure of what to do. He would just flinch away from my dad. He didn't know what a "cookie or treat was", he had no clue what a toy was. How sad :/. It just breaks your heart and makes you wonder how in the hell could someone even think of doing this to this precious baby. Well as days and months went by, Franklin finally started to warm up to me, as I was the one to feed him, change his water, come home from work/school and take him out and play with him and chase him around.
    When spring rolled around, my parents started going back up to their summer home on the weekends, they were afraid to take him with, so they asked me if I would care for him and leave him with me. At first I was not happy about it. I felt as if he needed constant care. He had seizures, which scared the shit out of me, but I learned how to deal with him and knew exactly when he was going to have one and I would rush to him, or he would come and collapse in my lap. I would cry and as I tried to hold him still and keep him from swallowing his tongue. I was starting to fall completely in love with this dog. He eventually became my sidekick. We went everywhere together, did everything together. I would leave for work and he would want to follow me out the door. He was so different, but yet so much like Tara, in so many ways. Instead of my dad's stuff getting eaten and chewed up, it was mine. He would get so pissed at me, that whatever he could find of mine and destroy he would! The final straw was when he ate my feather pillow, and my boyfriend at the time, went in the house before me and told me not to go in and freak out, as he laughed. Well when I walked in, there were feathers everywhere. A brand new pillow, destroyed. I flipped my lid and picked up Frank and threw him on the couch and told him we were going to have a one on one conversation and that he was going to listen. He sat there as I talked to him and told him that he was costing me more money then what it was worth and that if he dared to eat anything else of mine that he would be in deep doo-doo. From that day forward, he never destroyed anything of mine ever again! It was a damn as miracle. But as he grew older, his seizures continually got worse and we eventually ended up having to put him down. He died in my arms. I didn't want to let him go, I cried like a baby. I felt as if my best buddy was just ripped from my life. I didn't sleep from a week, I looked for him everywhere as if it were a dream. I mopped around and couldn't function. I hated going home and not having him there. I missed walking into a messed up bed, pillows on the floor.
     So when I got to Vegas, and already having 2 dogs my Otis, and Pugsley. I wanted another dog, but I really wanted a Boston Terrier or a Pug. Well being unsuccessful at finding one, I found something better while searching the web, The Southern NV Pug Rescue. So I sat for hours and researched there page, and seen they were looking for Foster Homes! So I waited for my husband at the time to get home from work and show him the web-site and see what he had to say. So he agreed to open our house to become a foster home! I filled out the application and sent it off. I didn't hear anything from them, but seen that they were going to be at an event right around the corner from our house at the time and went down there! I seen the rescue, so I rushed over there to talk to them and advised them that I sent over an application, but haven't heard anything yet from them. So they asked me to send another one over when I got home. So I rushed home and refilled out the application and sent it over. Within in a couple of days, I had our house check and we were approved to Foster! I was so excited and could not wait! A couple of days later, I got the call to see if we could Foster! Of course I accepted! And it all began!!! Max came into the house! He was so sweet and adorable and funny as hell! Otis and Pugsley needed a couple of days to adjust, but when they did it was one of the greatest moments, and the boys looked forward to fosters coming and going!
   I will say letting go of the first one was not easy at all. I balled. But, knowing that I was able to provide him the love and care that he needed until he got into his forever or (furever home!) was such a great reward! The next few pugs that stayed with us, had their challenges, but we worked through them and got them ready for their new life in their new home! It never gets easy though giving them up. Then along came this little guy in the picture below!!! I will never forget the day that I picked him up from the Vet, with his little cone-of-shame on, and he was so stinking cute! I got him home and my ex was in the driveway and he just about melted when he seen this little cutie pie! I opened up the door to let him in the house with the other boys! They all sniffed each other, kissed each other and went and laid down and chilled out together! It was like they were all meant to be together! It was love at first sight with this one. This one, I didn't know if we could let him go. As the days passed and the longer he was with us, we kept saying that he wasn't going to leave us. And then I got that dreaded email from the rescue, saying that someone was interested in Stitch. I didn't want to tell Jim. He would be devastated.  But they knew we were thinking about keeping him. So, I asked if I could have a couple of days to think about it. And of course the answer was yes! So, we went back and forth on it, it came down to a coin toss, which we lost our own damn coin toss. So we agreed to let him go. Well, after not hearing nothing for a few days, we looked at each other and said that we were keeping him. We couldn't let him go. So Stitch was my foster gone bad as I say! He was the one to come in and not leave!!!! Well since the ex and I got divorced there has been some issues with me having my babies, but so lucky to have the rescue and amazing friends. Otis is back with his daddy, which I am not 100% happy with, but at least I know he is ok and doing good. Pugsley is with a friend of mine, and Stitch is with one of my dear friends from the Foster and her gang. She loves him so much!! I can't wait to have him back with me and I am able to keep him with me. I just miss the shit out of him. But I do go and visit him & get to play with him anytime I want! He's such an amazing boy and I love him to pieces. And he knows it!
      So if anyone is looking to adopt a pet, instead of buying a puppy, which are just as much work as having an infant around, go to your local shelter or check into your local rescues and adopt from them. Always make sure you do your homework before you adopt as well. As each breed of dog is different, some need a lot of room, some don't, some get along better with other animals, some don't, some love kids, some hate kids. So always research before you adopt or buy an animal. I see way too many dogs come into rescue, because people have kids, or the dogs don't like the kids, etc. It breaks your heart. Dogs have feelings too, and people forget that, and just throw them away like they don't mean anything to them. I don't know how people can do it. Because having to separate my babies and not being with them, I will tell you sucks. I miss them everyday. But I know they are in great hands and being cared and loved for. So always know what you are getting into before you take that cute little fur ball home, just because you think they are cute and all. And then decide a week or months later that you can't handle it, because they are too much work.
    Also, make sure you always get your pet neutered. There are more then enough animals in kill shelters and such. So All that I ask is that you be a RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER!!!

Adoption & The Benefits of It

  18 years ago today, I gave birth to my son, who I gave up for adoption.

 Let me start from the beginning. I was 23 years old when I found out that I was pregnant. I was almost 4 months in before I actually knew that I was pregnant. I was a gymnast for over 20 years of my life, so being underweight and having irregular periods was normal for me. So I never thought nothing of it. Until one morning when I woke and I couldn't stand the smell of any food nor eat. I took a pregnancy test and balled my eyes out. I was scared. Scared of what was to come, what should I do. How was I going to tell anyone. I think that was the hardest part of it all, was having to tell my boyfriend and my mom. I refused to tell my dad and I was able to hide it from him the entire time. Till this day, he still has no clue. Thank God for being so little!
     Once I got the nerve up and was able to tell my boyfriend, (now ex-husband) that I was pregnant, I was scared of what was going to happen. Both knowing that neither one of us wanted children. I thought about an abortion, but it was too late in the pregnancy for that option. I already had made up my mind and said that I was going to give it up for adoption. My ex agreed that was the right thing to do. While others were shocked at our decision. But it was our decision and not theirs. I took a lot of slack for my decision, however, I did not care and spoke my mind. I told them if they didn't like it or disagreed with my choice, they need not to be a part of my life. At least with an abortion you can hide that. Sounds morally wrong to say that, but it is the truth.
     I just didn't know where to turn or even start to look for an adoption agency. So when I went to my Dr.'s appointment, I told the Doctor that I was giving the child up for adoption. Well he right away referred me to his friend that was an adoption lawyer in the same building and recommended that I go see her right away. As it is a big process. So, after my appointment I waddle my way down there to speak with her and see what I needed to do. And how this would all work out. I will never forget the day that I walked in there. She welcomed me with open arms and sat me down and told me what I could expect and how it would all work. One of her questions was if I wanted to do an open adoption, so I could keep in contact with the adoptive family, or if I wanted a closed adoption. I choose the open. As scared as I, I did it because I wanted my child to know that I cared enough about them to make sure that they had the life that I knew that I couldn't provide to them.
    Within the following days, I received a call from Flory, (my adoption lawyer) stating that she had a family lined up & interested in adopting my baby. She told me that they would be calling. Because of my work schedule, and long shifts however it was hard sometimes to be in contact all the time. However, when I was able to call them a few times we spoke and so forth. But, I still wasn't convinced that they really wanted my child. I advised them of my crazy work schedule. When you are a hairdresser, you never have a set schedule sometimes. It can be crazy and I was always on the go. So a couple of weeks had went by and I hadn't heard anything from them. So I reached out to Flory and had asked her what was going on. She advised me that another baby had come a lot sooner, and they didn't want to wait any longer so they adopted the baby. Which meant I had to start the process all over again, which literally scared the shit out of me. I was do to go to the Dr. again within the next couple of days, so I asked her if I could come in and speak with her.
   So that day that I went to the Dr. I was getting close to being due, I was 8 months (you would have never known to look at me), got my clean bill of health, but was unable to tell the sex of the baby. But I already knew that it was a boy. I just knew it, I didn't need an expensive machine to tell me that! So I headed back down to Flory's office and met up with her. We sat down and started talking and she asked me if she could show me some of adoption videos. I said absolutely! I told her how scared I was not knowing what was going to happen to him. So we started talking and she told me how her and husband where unable to have children and how they adopted their little girl. As we sat there and talked, she said that they were looking to adopt another baby as well. But they were really looking to adopt a boy. I told her that they were unable to tell the sex of the baby, but way down deep in my heart I knew that it was a boy. I told her if she wanted to adopt him, that I was more then fine with that. She called her husband immediately, and asked him what he thought about the idea. All while I sat there in the office. She came out with tears in her eyes, I was like oh great here we go again, and she was like he said yes!!!! I was like he agreed are you sure. She grabbed me and hugged me for what seem to be forever! It was a one of those hugs where you just don't want to let go, knowing that you are completing someone else's family for them. Giving them the dream of having the family they have always wanted but couldn't do on their own, what an amazing feeling that it was. I still look back at that day and tear up and smile.
   So we began all the paper work and started making all the arrangements!! Every time from that day forward that I went to the Dr. I went and visited with her and gave her all the updates as what was going on.
   Well, just a few weeks later, I was at work and my boss told me that I wasn't going to survive the week! That I was going to pop soon! I told her no way, I have another week or so. Well, that Friday, I while I was working, she looked at me before she left and said you are going to have that baby, just don't do it here! I laughed at her!!! And said see you tomorrow! Later that evening after I got out of work, my ex had picked me up and we decided to go for a nice relaxing motorcycle ride and grab some dinner. I wasn't feeling very hungry, but I ate a little. I was starting to get a little uncomfortable on the ride home, my lower back was starting to ache. I thought nothing of it, because it had done that in the past.
    That night, I fell asleep, but remember waking up with a sharp shooting pain in my lower back, so I went and sat in the recliner and passed back out. About 3 hours later, it had happened again. It was 7am, I went to the bathroom and noticed that there was a little blood spot when I went to the bathroom. So I called the Dr. and he's like get to the hospital now. You are going into labor. I laughed and said ok. Well we hurried up grabbed some stuff and off to the hospital we went. I called my boss and as soon as she heard my voice she was like your having that baby I told you so! I called Flory and Stephen and left them a message letting them know that I was in the hospital about to have the baby.
   I will never forget walking into the labor & delivery department and they were going to hook me up to check & monitor the labor pains before they put me in a room. Until I almost fell to my knees and could barley breath and wanted to scream. The nurse grabbed the closest wheelchair and said yep you are in labor, lets go. Within minutes I was hooked up to IV's and getting pain meds. Which I called happy drugs. At first I didn't want the epidural, I knew of the damage that it could do to my back. I still wish that I would have never agreed to it.
   Well after a few hours of labor, I was seriously only in labor for like a total of 7 hours, I had Adam.

    I will never forget the look on Flory and Stephen's faces when I handed them their baby boy! It was such joy! I will never forget that day, the smiles on their faces the first time they held their baby boy!!! What a joyous moment! They made sure to get pictures of me with him for both of us!
   From that day forward I have been a part of his life. Shortly after I was released to drive, Flory invited me over for lunch and spend time with her and Adam & their daughter. I wrote Adam a letter explain to him why I choose to give him up for adoption. And I hope that he would not hold it against me. I asked Flory to give it to him when he was ready to know. We have kept in contact from day 1 and still remain in contact. I have pictures of him throughout his childhood. A childhood & a life that I knew that I could not give to him.
    Last summer when I went back to NY to visit, we had set a side a day for us to go to our local amusement park and have a blast! Not only was it so much fun to hang out with my son, but also to be able to get to sit and talk to him and answer any questions he had. But the best part of the day was when he told me that he was going to tell all his friends what a bitchin' birth mom he has! He thanked me for giving him the life he so deserved. And let me tell you that was all worth it. I was always so scared that he would hold it against me. Thinking that I didn't want him. But when I explained it all to him, he totally understood. (He's just like me!!!) We had such a wonderful time that day, I will cherish it forever.
    This year he is graduating, actually in a couple of weeks he is graduating High School and then will be heading off to Florida to start college, and major in Pre-Med. I am so proud of him! So proud of the young man that he has turned into. But I know he had a wonderful family to provide and support him and push him to get there. I got to be a part of it all as well (in the background of course). I just wish that I could make it to his graduation to watch him walk down the isle and get his diploma. It sucks that I won't be there for that. But, I will be able to talk to him the day of and tell him how proud I am of him.

   I love sharing my story. People think adoption is such a bad thing sometimes. Well in my case it wasn't. It was the BEST CHOICE I COULD HAVE EVER MADE. I am Proud of my decision. There are never no regrets and never will be. If you are pregnant and are not sure about what you want to do, just weigh out what is going to be not only the best choice for you, but also for the child you are carrying inside you. I know it's not the easiest decision in the world to make, however, still none the less it is your decision. You have to live with it and no one else should help you make your decision. It needs to be you, and you alone. But don't ever regret your decision either.
Anyone who is unsure of their decision and needs to talk or would like more information, please feel free to message me on here. I would be more then happy to provide you with more information and more of my story!

It's been a while since I blogged ~ but I am back!

  I haven't written a blog since 2010. I had so much going on in my life, that I just got away from it and didn't feel the urge to do it anymore. I had so much to say, that I didn't want to say and just decided to hold it all in.
    However the more I held it in, the more I hated myself and others for it. So, it finally came down to a boiling point, where I lost it and exploded on a lot of people. Including, coming out and telling my ex-husband the truth of not being in love with him anymore. It was such a relief, and like a weight that had been lifted off my shoulders. It felt so good, that I wanted to run around in the streets of Vegas naked. NO I DID NOT! But I sure wanted to.
    I felt like I was a changed person, I no longer had to live a lie, pretending to be in love with someone, who I no longer was in love with. It was not an easy thing to do. However being with him for close to 20 years, 10 of them of which we were married. Several years before I had told that I wanted to leave. But he had begged me to stay. I agreed to try to work it out and move forward. Things got a little better for a little while. He promised me things, none of which he kept. That was one of the biggest reasons I think that I fell out of love with him. But when I think about it, I wonder if I ever really did love him. I did, but I don't think that I was madly in love with him. It also doesn't help when you are a mama's boy and you are well into your 40's and still listening to her like you are a teenager. That really puts a damper on things. Then quitting a great paying job, all because you are not happy working there anymore, have no insurance, and I was only working part-time. WOW. Losing our house due to me being out of work for so long did not help matters either. He did odd jobs helping friends out and stuff like that, but it was not a steady income and trying to rely on me working part time for $8.50 an hour, and not even getting but maybe sometime 18 hours a week. Yeah that did not work out so well. Trying to care for me 3 dogs, put food on a table and pay bills on that kind of low income. And then knowing that you need surgery, and having health insurance to you, and yet another raise, still quit. If it were me, I would have taken the health insurance and the raise, had my surgery and then after the surgery was all said and done & I was healed up, went back to work and then decide on what I wanted to do. Because while you are laid up at home, you can be on the internet putting in applications for work. BUT NO.........just make life difficult for all those surrounded around you and make them miserable.
     I let myself go for way to long. When I was a kid, I was a gymnast, so I was always used to being the small petite person. But I fell into the marriage trap, where I started to let myself go and not give 2 shits what I looked liked or how much weight I put on. But then one day I had looked in the mirror, and asked myself what I was doing to myself? How could I do this to myself? This was not me, I felt as if I had nothing to smile about anymore. My smile went away a long time ago. I felt like I was turning into this miserable person that I did not want to be. I almost felt like I was turning into my mom. And I hate saying that. However sometimes trying to please that women was impossible. And I did not want to be mom. So, that day I decided to take a stand for myself, because I was the only one who knew that I could change myself back to the way that I used to be. I knew that it was going to be a long journey a head. But a journey that I was willing to take. I was scared, I didn't know what was going to come, but I didn't care. Because I needed to move on, and get myself back on track and back to being my normal happy go lucky, smiling self. When you loose your nickname of "Smiley" you know there is something wrong with you. I encourage you, if you are not happy, don't live that miserable life, get out, and make yourself happy. You are the only one who can do it. I know that I couldn't have done it alone without an amazing support group of my friends and family. But, you have to grab life by the horns and take control of it and change it, because you are the only one who can control it and change it.
     The first BIG step was telling someone who is madly in love with you, that you don't love them anymore. I will never remember the look on his face, the hurt, the anger, the disappointment. But it was a relief off my shoulders. I felt like a complete total bitch for it, but I needed to do it. I couldn't stand saying "I Love you" to his face one more time knowing that it was a complete lie.
    The next step was to get my ass back in shape and lose all the extra weight that I had piled on to myself. Glad I was a gymnast and know how to do it. However, it was rough at first. I will never forget the first time that I stepped on the scale and seen 180 pounds. I cried like a baby, and wanted to slap the shit out of myself for letting me to do this to me. I had no one else to blame for that but myself.
   Then I had to learn how to be single again and go out and have fun again with my friends. And start a new life. Not knowing where it was going to lead me. But, I had to do it. I had no choice now!!
   
But all I know is that I can say here I stand here today a lot happier and glad that I made the choice to change me life and make it my own again. And not controlled by others, who thought that they could tell me what I should and shouldn't do. Who I should and shouldn't hang out with. Tell me that I was a spoiled brat all from over 2000 miles away. (I am speaking of my ex-mother-in-law) who had a lot to do with the reasons as well as to why I fell out of love with her son. I should have followed my heart from the start. I never really wanted to get married. Almost called the wedding off 3 times. Maybe that should have been my first clue.

    However I will say, for anyone who is getting married, always interview your future in-laws. And I am not just saying this for the bride, I am saying this for both parties. If they have siblings and they are married talked to the person your sibling married. Don't let your siblings be around either when you do this. Because then they will just think that they are trash talking your parents. But in fact your are getting a lesson and learning a whole hell of a lot about your future in-laws. It's great information to have and take to heart. I wish that I would have listened to my ex's brothers wife a little more. Because man all I can say now, is she was right on the money about my ex-mother-in-law. But a lesson learned, a BIG ONE. This is why I pass this advice on to you. Trust me on this one. She seemed so sweet before we got married, but yes there were those times when we were dating that I just wanted to walk up to her and bitch slap her across the face, (which should have been another huge clue). Once we got engaged, it really started to go down hill, she wanted control of my wedding. If this happens, I tell you right now, DON'T LET IT and RUN! No joke. Just remember it is your wedding, not hers!!! She got pissed off when I told her that, but such is life. Put your big girl panties on lady and suck it up.